How to Become a Boundary Boss: Simplifying Boundary Setting with Terri Cole

Many of us don’t know how to set and express our boundaries. What tends to happen is we hide our emotions and deny our feelings to please other people. But this only piles up resentment within our relationships. Healing comes from the courage to stand up for how you feel healthily. It doesn't come easy, but setting your boundaries is key to living a happy and self-determined life.

In this episode, Rosie speaks with Terri Cole about setting boundaries. Terri clarifies what boundaries are and how to recognize boundary violations. Then, she talks about how to set consequences and create a proactive boundary plan out of love and kindness. Finally, Terri lays down four steps to simplify boundary setting.

If you want to know how to set boundaries like a real boundary boss, this episode is for you!

Here are three reasons why you should listen to the full episode:

Understand what it means to set boundaries.
Learn how to set the correct consequences for boundary violations.
Find out how to simplify boundary setting.

Resources

Connect with and learn more about Terri Cole: Website | Instagram | Real Love Revolution Facebook group | YouTube
Boundary Boss by Terri Cole
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Episode Highlights

[01:19] What are Boundaries?

Disordered boundaries, boundary bullies, boundary destroyers, boundary violations, and codependency all get mushed together.
There are a lot of myths and misunderstandings about what boundary is.
Think about your boundaries as your rules of engagement.
Boundaries include preferences, limits, and deal breakers—the non-negotiables—in relationships, work, and life.
You have to be able to communicate your boundaries. The problem lies with people not knowing their non-negotiables.

[02:38] The Language of Boundaries

Women are raised and praised for being self-abandoning codependent.
It’s difficult to speak a language no one has ever taught you.
Feeling like a boundary disaster is not a terminal condition. You just need someone to teach you.

[05:41] Setting Boundaries with Your Parents

Boundaries with parents depend on your culture.
You don’t have to participate if someone tramples your boundaries and tries to control you.
We choose our battles depending on our relationship with our parents.
Healing comes from daring to negotiate how you feel.
There are consequences for setting boundaries.

[06:00] Terri: "You don't have to participate if someone is super trampling your boundaries. If you are feeling that someone is being a boundary bully and trying to control you, you can lovingly opt out of that, even though they're going to be mad." - Click Here To Tweet This

[08:12] Boundary Violations

A boundary first-timer is someone who may have been violating your boundaries without their knowledge. You haven’t done your part in talking to them.
Repeat offenders eventually fall into the boundary bully category. They continue to violate your boundaries despite having an honest conversation about it.
You must add a consequence for the actions of repeat offenders. You don’t do it for first-timers because they don’t yet have an opportunity to be part of the solution.
It takes time for people to change. Once you have the conversation, establish consequences for boundary violations with the other person.

[11:34] Setting the Right Consequences for Boundary Violations

Sometimes, action is the boldest boundary we can create for ourselves. We must stand up for our non-negotiable boundaries.
Not all boundaries are non-negotiable, but they all matter. Your preferences, limits, and deal breakers are the things that make you a unique person.
Your preference is how you intimately let people in and share yourself.

[12:18] Terri: "Sometimes, the most bold boundary that we can create for ourselves is an action." - Click Here To Tweet This

[19:26] How to Handle People Misdirecting Your Boundary Setting

Some people take boundary setting in other directions, like misinterpreting it as you're mad at them. Be clear that the boundary serves to protect your relationship.
Change scares people. When you change the boundaries in a relationship, you’re changing the entire dynamic of the relationship.

[20:07] Terri: “Change scares the crap out of people. So fear of success, fear of failure—two sides of the same coin. The coin is fear of change." - Click Here To Tweet This

Your family does not want you to change; it upsets the balance in the family system.
You can stay lovingly attached to your family members even when you’re drawing a boundary they don’t like.
Staying connected to your family will lessen their feeling of being threatened. They’ll see that they can’t manipulate or control you.

[21:28] Terri: “What people will see over time is you having the courage to establish what's okay with you and what's not okay with you. They will respect you if nothing else. And if you stay lovingly connected to them, their feeling of being threatened will get smaller and smaller and smaller because they'll see they're not losing you over this.” - Click Here To Tweet This

[21:56] Taking Back Control with Love and Kindness

There is a certain amount of domination addicted people have over people who love them.
Alcoholics don’t have relationships; they take hostages.
You don't always have to set boundaries with love, but you can always do it with kindness.
Boundaries are not about controlling another person.

[27:49] How to React When Someone Sets a Boundary Against You

It’s hard to take it when you have been a high functioning codependent with disordered boundaries for a long time.
You're less reactive with other people's boundaries when you lovingly respect your preferences, limits, and deal breakers.
Fear drives the emotional labor that comes from being over-functioning. More than ambition, it's about running away from the fear of not being good enough.
People are allowed to disagree with us and vice versa. But it has to be done respectfully.
People don’t have to understand your boundaries but must respect your feelings if they want to stay in your life.

[32:43] Ways to Simplify Boundary Setting

You need clarity about what specific boundaries you must set. A tip is to do a resentment inventory.
Next is the pre-planning or when and where you’re doing it. Giving pre-warnings about having a boundary conversation messes up your position.
Then, write a boundary script. Be clear and concise about the one thing you’re trying to communicate.
The final step is to visualize and execute calmly. You have to see success before you even do it.
Healing comes from having the courage to negotiate for yourself healthily.

[39:55] Terri: "Healing comes from your courage to negotiate for yourself and to stand up for yourself in a way that is healthy, that is normal. And when you can count on yourself to do that, that changes your life." - Click Here To Tweet This

[44:51] How Terri Feels Radically Loved

She feels radically loved in her relationship with her husband. She feels securely tethered and completely free.

About Terri

Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and leading global expert in mindfulness, meditation, relationships, and wellbeing. She is also the founder of Real Love Revolution™ & Terri Cole's Boundary Bootcamp™. For over 20 years, Terri has worked with globally well-known personalities, like celebrities, TV personalities, Fortune 500 CEOs, and thought leaders.

Terri is the author of the best-selling book Boundary Boss. Her mission is to empower people to stop living out learned boundary behaviors that don't serve them.

If you want to connect with Terri, visit her website and Instagram or join the Real Love Revolution Facebook group.