Validation and Apology: How to Build Trust and Safety in a Relationship with Matthew Fray
A successful relationship needs both partners to build trust and validate the other. So if one partner doesn’t feel respected or loved, the relationship will inevitably fall apart.
One way couples unintentionally ignore the feelings of their significant other is through invalidation. By belittling the emotions of our loved ones, we are indirectly saying that we don’t value them. How can we avoid falling into this pitfall? Unfortunately, there’s no precise answer to this. But we can always start with the basics—build trust and offer genuine apologies and heartfelt consideration to our loved ones.
In this episode, Matthew Fray joins us to share the lessons he learned about failed relationships and divorce. In discussing relationships, he explains why invalidation destroys trust and security in a relationship and how genuine apologies are a hopeful approach to saving relationships and helping build trust toward a healthy marriage. Finally, he imparts how couples could respond better to feelings of invalidation expressed by their partners in their own lives.
If you're searching for how to build trust, create emotional safety in a life partnership, and be a better partner, this episode is for you!
Here are three reasons why you should listen to the full episode:
Understand why relationships fail, particularly marriages fail.
Discover the importance of a genuine apology.
Learn why a strong relationship needs you to build trust and validation.
Resources
Grab a copy of This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray
Verywell Fit website
FREE workbook! Apply the lessons you learn from this episode as you listen! Enter your email below, and I’ll send it right away!
Episode Highlights
Matthew Fray Ten Years Ago
Matthew Fray believed he was a decent person and a good partner. When we are unaware of hurting others, it diminishes our responsibility to the consequences of our actions.
Today, Matthew Fray understands the gravity of his actions to his loved ones.
A person’s happiness sometimes depends on the awareness and validation of their significant other to their experiences.
Why Relationships Fail
Failure to do simple and small tasks, like leaving dishes dirty or not putting the garbage out, for your partner shows indifference to their feelings.
Relationships end when someone’s feelings are hurt or ignored.
Someone might not feel safe in their relationship.
Someone with a healthy set of boundaries will voluntarily leave a harmful relationship.
Paying attention to the small things creates a lasting relationship.
On Keeping a Relationship
Couples break up because of the absence of trust and safety in their relationship.
Deep wounds are carved into someone’s heart when they’re unloved and disrespected by their significant other.
On Saving Relationships
There is a limit to how much betrayal and pain someone can take.
Promising to care and love someone is irrelevant when you inflict pain on them.
Demonstrating love through actions is just lip service. Couples need to learn how to build trust, safety, and respect.
Habits to a Healthier Relationship
Validation and consideration are two habits needed to maintain a happy relationship.
Validate your partner’s feelings. When we disregard our loved one’s emotions, their trust slowly slips away.
Be mindful of the person with whom you share space.
The Invalidation Triple Threat
There are three distinct ways to invalidate our partners: gaslighting, understatement, and defensiveness.
Gaslighting happens when we discredit and correct the emotions felt by our significant other.
Understatement means considering our partner's feelings as an overreaction.
Defensiveness is defending your harmful actions and implies you would do them again.
Invalidation breeds mistrust. Listen to the full episode to hear how Matthew’s marriage ended because of discrediting this wife’s feelings.
Towards a Better Response
Acknowledge your fault when you unintentionally hurt others.
Understand how a seemingly trivial accident resulted in pain.
Learn to accept the emotional needs and wants of your better half.
The Importance of Apology
Take responsibility for your offending behavior and be genuinely sorry for hurting the person you love.
There are four steps to an effective apology. Listen to the whole episode to know more about it!
The cornerstone habits of a successful relationship are communication, validation, love, support, and care.
Monster Under The Bed
Imagine you're handling a child afraid of a monster under his bed. What would you do?
Your reaction to this scenario assesses how you communicate with your partner when they express their emotions that you might not comprehend.
A healthy relationship means going through thick and thin together. You might not be able to fix everything, but you can ensure that your loved ones don’t suffer alone.
You can build trust and safety by mindfully showing up for your significant other.
5 Powerful Quotes from This Episode
[15:27] “What ends relationships is when somebody calculates that this person is either hurting me on purpose or they don't even know what hurts me and doesn't hurt me." - Click Here to Tweet This
[24:39] “I think when I don't behave in a manner that results in pain for the people I love, they can feel safe with me. I used to think I was owed. You owe me. I'm a safe person. Having that in your head and saying words like that...it's not the way in real life. Things we do or don't do will sometimes result in pain for someone else.” - Click Here to Tweet This
[26:27] “I posit that invalidation equals an erosion of trust. And so when we habitually invalidate, we chip away at whatever pile of trust we have. Sooner or later, we're not going to have that trust. We're not going to have enough to justify having a relationship anymore.” - Click Here to Tweet This
[37:07] “What if instead of freaking out and invalidating your partner and trying to convince them that they should think something different…you sought to understand how that incident that seems so benign to you resulted in pain for them?” - Click Here to Tweet This
[45:32] "If you mindfully include your partner in your decision-making process habitually…and when they communicate something's wrong, they feel validated, loved, supported, cared for, I don't think those people have trust and safety problems in the relationship." - Click Here to Tweet This
About Matthew
Matthew Fray is a relationship coach and author of This Is How Your Marriage Ends. He is well-known in the marriage council scene for mending relationship conflict and broken relationships by sharing the lessons he learned from his failed marriage and divorce.
Apart from being a mentor, Matthew is a blogging sensation. His blog Must Be This Tall To Ride has a dedicated following and has been featured in New York Times, the London Sunday Times, the Huffington Post, and Babble, among others.
You can reach Matthew through his social media accounts: Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
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To feeling radically loved,
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