The Radically Well Podcast · Season 1, Episode 5
How to Talk to Your Partner About Perimenopause: Outsized Reactions and Relationship Resets
During perimenopause, Rosie Acosta was convinced she was with the wrong person. Everything her partner did irritated her. In this episode she and Tessa Tovar, who is in the thick of it now, talk honestly about outsized reactions, the fights that are never really about the small thing, and the one sentence they wish every partner understood.
Feet in cement, a wave on the horizon
Tessa describes perimenopause as standing with her feet set in cement, watching a tidal wave come toward her and knowing she cannot move. Rosie, now on the other side, remembers the same helplessness, and how much of it landed on her relationship. She talks openly about the period when she was sure her partner did not understand her, did not want to be touched, and found even the way he set down a coffee cup unbearable.
This episode is about what that does to a long-term partnership, and what helps. They cover outsized reactions, whether big fights can be healthy, why pity stings, why partners so often try to fix what cannot be fixed, and how to ask for what you actually need.
What this episode covers
- Why small things can set off outsized reactions during perimenopause
- How Rosie nearly left her relationship, and what she understands about that time now
- The “always” and “never” rule from a couple together for decades
- Whether big feelings and big fights can be part of a healthy relationship
- Why being pitied hurts, and what partners are usually feeling underneath
- Why partners want to fix things, and why asking “is it your hormones?” lands badly
- What to say instead: you cannot stop this wave, but you can help hold me up
- Why there is nothing to fix, because you are not broken
When the fight is never about the chicken
Rosie tells a story from 2020. She and her partner were working from home in a small house, she was deep in perimenopause, and he could see she was struggling. He did something kind: he put away food she had left on the stove. She heard him doing it, felt the irritation bubble up, said nothing, and then came at him so intensely she barely recognized herself. It was not about the chicken. Everything that had been stored up came out with it.
Tessa calls these her outsized reactions: responses bigger than she intends, which can feel almost like being taken over. She is also doing EMDR, a therapy for processing trauma, alongside perimenopause, and both women note how much those two together can stir up.
Always, never, and whether big feelings are allowed
Rosie once asked a couple who had been together for decades, and who still clearly adore each other, what their secret was. The husband’s answer: never say “you always” or “you never”. Take those words out of your vocabulary and any conversation, good or bad, stays on level ground.
Tessa pushes on it. Does good communication mean always being calm, or can a charged, heavy conversation still be healthy? Rosie’s view is that all feelings are valid, and that what is not expressed gets pushed down. Your body is going through real physiological change, so there has to be grace from your partner, and from yourself. She notes that a long relationship shortens the fuse, and that respect is the line she tries not to cross.
You cannot stop the wave, but you can help hold her up
Rosie went through perimenopause with nobody to talk to about it, feeling like she was losing her mind. What made her angriest was seeing pity in her partner’s face, because pity made her feel something was wrong with her. Looking back, she understands he was not pitying her. He loved her and could not do anything to make it better.
That helplessness, they agree, is where a lot of partners get stuck. Some respond by trying to fix it, some by pushing it back onto her, and some by asking whether she has taken her hormones, which lands as button-pushing. What Rosie wishes she had said early on: you cannot stop this wave, and it is nothing you are doing wrong. Your job is to help hold me up, to take the hair out of my eyes and hand me a towel between waves.
Words for the conversation you keep putting off
By the end, Tessa has the sentence she had been trying to find for a long time: I am going to have feelings today, and they might be big. I do not have much control over my reactions right now. I do not need you to fix it, because you cannot. I need you to stay next to me while I go through it.
Her takeaway is that it is a conversation to keep having, sometimes daily, even when shame shows up first. Rosie’s is that there is nothing to fix, because you are not broken. This is something you navigate, with grace or with grit, and ideally both.
This is a personal conversation, not medical or relationship advice. If mood changes are affecting your safety, relationships or daily life, talk with a qualified healthcare or mental health professional.
Timestamps
Times refer to the YouTube video.
| 00:00 | Introduction: the tidal wave you can see coming |
| 01:33 | How relationships shift in perimenopause and menopause |
| 04:35 | Is this the time to re-evaluate your relationship? |
| 06:06 | How Rosie almost left her relationship |
| 10:41 | The chicken story: anatomy of an outsized reaction |
| 13:46 | “Always” and “never”: advice from a couple together for decades |
| 16:46 | Outsized reactions, EMDR and old wounds |
| 18:18 | Can a big fight be healthy? |
| 22:51 | All feelings are valid: giving yourself grace |
| 25:58 | What Rosie would tell her partner if she could go back |
| 29:00 | Why pity hurts, and what partners are really feeling |
| 32:01 | A message for partners: you will get it wrong, and that is OK |
| 33:33 | Culture, ego and the urge to fix it |
| 36:34 | HRT, “is it your hormones?” and pushing buttons |
| 38:05 | Takeaways: keep the line open, and do not try to fix it |
Explore the conversation
Questions explored in this episode
Can perimenopause cause relationship problems?
It can put real strain on a relationship. Mood swings, irritability, low libido and feeling unlike yourself all affect how you relate to a partner. Rosie describes being convinced she was with the wrong person during perimenopause, and only later seeing how much of that was the transition.
How do I explain perimenopause to my partner?
Describe how it feels rather than just listing symptoms: no footing, a wave coming that you cannot stop. Then say what you need. The sentence Tessa lands on is: I might have big feelings today, I do not need you to fix it, I need you to stay next to me while I go through it.
What can partners do to help during perimenopause?
Stay close without trying to fix it. Rosie’s image is that a partner cannot stop the wave, but can help hold you up, take the hair out of your eyes and hand you a towel between waves. Patience, not taking it personally and accepting that you will sometimes get it wrong all help.
Why do I overreact to small things in perimenopause?
Tessa calls them outsized reactions. A small trigger can release a lot of stored-up feeling at once, and hormonal changes can leave you with fewer of your usual coping skills. Rosie’s view is that the feelings are valid, and that grace, for yourself and from your partner, matters more than perfect calm.
Why should couples avoid saying “always” and “never”?
It was the advice of a couple Rosie admires who have been together for decades. “You always” and “you never” turn one moment into a verdict on the whole relationship. Leaving them out keeps even difficult conversations on level ground.
Is it normal to want to leave your relationship during perimenopause?
Rosie felt exactly that. The hosts suggest asking whether the middle of the wave is the right time to make big decisions, while acknowledging that sometimes a shake-up is needed. There is no single answer, but it helps to know how common the feeling is.
You are not broken. This is something you navigate.
Rosie offers mindfulness coaching grounded in self-compassion, with practical tools for anxiety, sleep loss and the emotional side of midlife. Coaching is available in English and Spanish.
This episode is a personal conversation and is educational in nature. It does not replace care from a qualified healthcare or mental health professional.